887. Spam, spam, spam, spam.... Fear, fear, fear, fear

Cut to a café. All the customers look like Dick Cheney. Mr. and Mrs. Merica enter - downwards (on wires).

MR. MERICA

Morning.

DUBYA

Morning.

MR. MERICA

What have you got, then?

DUBYA

Well there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and fear; egg, bacon and fear; egg, bacon, sausage and fear; fear, bacon, sausage and fear; fear, egg, fear, fear, bacon and fear; fear, fear, fear, egg and fear; fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, baked beans, fear, fear, fear and fear; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top and fear.

MRS. MERICA

Have you got anything without fear in it?

DUBYA

Well there's fear, egg, sausage and fear. That's not got much fear in it.

MRS. MERICA

I don't want any fear.

MR. MERICA

Why can't she have egg, bacon, fear and sausage?

MRS. MERICA

That's got fear in it!

MR. MERICA

Not as much as fear, egg, sausage and fear.

MRS. MERICA

Look, could I have egg, bacon, fear and sausage without the fear.

DUBYA

Uuuuuuggggh!

MRS. MERICA

What d'you mean uuugggh! I don't like fear.

CHENEYS
(singing)

Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear ... fear, fear, fear, fear ... lovely fear, wonderful fear ...

DUBYA

Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, fear and sausage without the fear.

MRS. MERICA

Why not!

DUBYA

No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, fear and sausage, would it.

MRS. MERICA

I dont like fear!

MR. MERICA

Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your fear. I love it. I'm having fear, fear, fear, fear, fear ...

CHENEYS

(singing)

Fear, fear, fear, fear ...

MR. MERICA

... baked beans, fear, fear and fear.

DUBYA

Baked beans are off.

MR. MERICA

Well can I have fear instead?

DUBYA

You mean fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear?

CHENEYS

(still singing)

Fear, fear, fear, fear ... (etc.)

MR. MERICA

Yes.

DUBYA

Arrggh!

CHENEYS

... lovely fear, wonderful, fear.

DUBYA

Shut up! Shut up!

The Cheneys shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.

HUNGARIAN

Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of fear, egg, fear, bacon, fear, tomato, fear ...

CHENEYS

(starting up again)

Fear, fear, fear, fear ...

DUBYA

Shut up.

A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out

HUNGARIAN

My nipples explode ...

Cut to a Historian

Superimposed caption: A HISTORIAN

HISTORIAN

Another great Cheney victory was at the Green Midget café at Bromley. Once again the Cheney strategy was the same. They sailed form these fiords here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget café and fear selecting a fear particular fear item from the fear menu would fear, fear, fear, fear, fear ...

The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the café again. The Cheneys start singing again and the

HISTORIAN conducts them.

CHENEYS

(singing)

Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, lovely fear, wonderful fear. Lovely fear wonderful fear ...


Credits: Liberally modified from....
http://www.noteboom.demon.nl/spam.html
Monty Python's Flying Circus - Just the Words (Volume Two)
Edited from the original scripts and video tapes by Roger Wilmut
Methuen, Londen, 1989
ISBN 0-413-62550-8
Copyright © Python Productions Ltd 1989